It’s that time of year again.
Of fresh new notebooks, Amazon textbooks, registrations, and new classes.
And it’s my senior year.
Of college. Let that sink in.
After 16 years of education, I am about to begin my last year.
I sit and stare at my ginormous 600 page textbooks, and wonder if I know how to be anything but a student. I’ve signed up for some hard things willingly in my life but this upcoming year promises to be the toughest yet.
I sit and stare at my bank account, and wonder if the choices of these past four years will return on investment financially.
I sit and stare at my Bible, and wonder where the path of missions and ministry will take me. It won’t be to a cushy CEO’s office with my name on the door, that’s for sure.
I sit and stare at all the engagements and babies my friends are having. I’m truly happy for them. And know that the day of dealing with my tendency towards distrust and emotional distance is coming.
I sit and stare at my reflection of my choices, of my body, my heart, my character – and see all of my weaknesses and strengths, and know that there are many things that I still don’t understand or see.
There are decisions I am proud of and mistakes that still bring tears to my eyes. There have been seasons of the purest happiness and dark moments that stole a piece of my heart that I’m still trying to find.
And I stare at who I am today through my physical eyes, He gently reminds me to look again. And through the divine mystery of grace, I look again, but this time through faith.
My giant textbooks still promise sleepless nights and hours of programming, but they also promise the ability to help people and the blessing of work worth doing.
My bank account and student loans still promise hours of hard work with no instant gratification but also promise to be the greatest opportunities for the Lord to provide.
Ministry and missions still promise a hard life, but also promise the kingdom of God spreading.
The day that the Lord will say “Say yes to this one” still promises deep feelings of inadequacy and even more years of patience but it also promises great blessing, great joy, and intimacy.
The next year still promises to be hard. Life promises to be hard. It’ll get to ‘too hard’ again too.
Good moments, dark moments, joy, deep sorrows, happy hellos, and gut wrenching goodbyes – they’re all coming.
But I have one promise in return.
I’m in Lord. Till the death.
Because I believe His promises. I trust Him.
He didn’t promise comfort or safety but He promise to be near and to be enough. He’s committed. He’s not leaving me.
So Lord for better, for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death finally brings us face to face – I’m in.
There’s a precious jewel I’ve discovered amidst the single student life that I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. It is a growing trust in God and that whatever He gives me whenever is for my good. Especially the dark moments – the moments that most people would take to question God – have taught me to wait on Him, to look to Him, to see what He’s up to. Because I know His character, specifically as a Redeemer, I fully believe that all things work for good for those who trust in Him.
This gives an incredible peace. Peace in the light of uncertainty. Peace in the light of persecution. Peace in the light of crazy life decisions that are neither safe nor comfortable.
All I know for sure is that my life isn’t going to typical. My future biography (or at least the stories people will tell – you know, not to be presumptuous or anything) is going to be proof that life with God is the best, that He is worthy, and that He is faithful.
The rest? I trust Him.